Masquerade

I feel pretty today
Lies
I'm so very happy
Lies
I'm invincible
Lies
Shut the fuck up
Battling
Battling
Battling
Turmoil
Gimme Peace
Gimme Peace

You can't create shit
You're powerless
Let that shit go
Are you okay?
Yeah I'm fine
Peachy keen jelly bean
Fuckin liar
More fuckin lies

I'm building
Building pain
Inside
But still I smile
Living in denial
Headache
Loopty loos in my head
Just wanna cry
But I gotta smile
You're so fuckin fake
Smiling
But dying within

I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I'm fine
As I break piece by piece
Uncertain how many more times rebuilding with broken blocks will last
Time spent creating ramshackle-ness
I want to be sturdy
This plastic is
It seems durable
Such a lovely piece of art
A wall and a mask
How great, but still small enough
Maybe if I hide enough from myself
I'll be free
Always seems I cave in
Fighting with myself
A constant war I wish didn't exist
The concerned citizens try to make Peace
But I'm in too much pain to let them
In
I don't want to admit I need help
Because I don't
But I really do
I know this
At least a part of me does
Guilt overwhelms me when my feelings disturb others Peace
I'd rather let it kill me then kill them
I'll just smile
Even if it hurts
Call it suicide
Crazy I could be okay with it
But selfishness is out of my Being
So here I am self-destructing
Beneath this pretty piece of art
I painted with the ideas I only choose to share with them
Forcin myself in a
Box I created for myself
Thinking I have to live up to it
Or I'll be my own disappointment
I push you away, when I really need you
To proud to ask you to
Hug me, comfort me
So inside I hope you'll get the picture
I act like I don't want to share with you how I feel
But more than anything
I need to hear that someone cares
That someone is there to help
Me break these restrictions I've placed on myself
Created my own judgments and expectations of myself
That I can barely deal with
I go away hoping you'll run after me
Just hug me
I need a touch of another
So the bottled up tears will fall
I just need you to push me
To accept that sometimes I don't live up to this thing I've made
This machine I've made myself out to be
I need you
I need you
Maybe I just need myself
Maybe I just need to look at myself
Maybe I don't accept myself as much as I once believed
I keep being dishonest
The mask is so comfortable
At least I've convinced myself that
It's prettier than reality
But it's killin me
I keep cutting myself
Cutting my self-esteem
Insecure in the faith I have in it all
Insecure in the faith I have in myself
Keep convincing myself this smile is real
The audience buys it
But I want them to call me out on this scripted reality tv
I wish I wasn't this way
I just want stability
I just want Peace
I wanna be Free
So desperately
Nothing more important
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom from this self-constructed mask
I wanna feel the sun and rain on my own skin
But I still refuse
I can't help it
This mask is what I'm used to
Beastly living