Monday, December 6, 2010


I feel pretty today
I'm so very happy
I'm invincible
Shut the fuck up
Gimme Peace
Gimme Peace

You can't create shit
You're powerless
Let that shit go
Are you okay?
Yeah I'm fine
Peachy keen jelly bean
Fuckin liar
More fuckin lies

I'm building
Building pain
But still I smile
Living in denial
Loopty loos in my head
Just wanna cry
But I gotta smile
You're so fuckin fake
But dying within

I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I'm fine
As I break piece by piece
Uncertain how many more times rebuilding with broken blocks will last
Time spent creating ramshackle-ness
I want to be sturdy
This plastic is
It seems durable
Such a lovely piece of art
A wall and a mask
How great, but still small enough
Maybe if I hide enough from myself
I'll be free
Always seems I cave in
Fighting with myself
A constant war I wish didn't exist
The concerned citizens try to make Peace
But I'm in too much pain to let them
I don't want to admit I need help
Because I don't
But I really do
I know this
At least a part of me does
Guilt overwhelms me when my feelings disturb others Peace
I'd rather let it kill me then kill them
I'll just smile
Even if it hurts
Call it suicide
Crazy I could be okay with it
But selfishness is out of my Being
So here I am self-destructing
Beneath this pretty piece of art
I painted with the ideas I only choose to share with them
Forcin myself in a
Box I created for myself
Thinking I have to live up to it
Or I'll be my own disappointment
I push you away, when I really need you
To proud to ask you to
Hug me, comfort me
So inside I hope you'll get the picture
I act like I don't want to share with you how I feel
But more than anything
I need to hear that someone cares
That someone is there to help
Me break these restrictions I've placed on myself
Created my own judgments and expectations of myself
That I can barely deal with
I go away hoping you'll run after me
Just hug me
I need a touch of another
So the bottled up tears will fall
I just need you to push me
To accept that sometimes I don't live up to this thing I've made
This machine I've made myself out to be
I need you
I need you
Maybe I just need myself
Maybe I just need to look at myself
Maybe I don't accept myself as much as I once believed
I keep being dishonest
The mask is so comfortable
At least I've convinced myself that
It's prettier than reality
But it's killin me
I keep cutting myself
Cutting my self-esteem
Insecure in the faith I have in it all
Insecure in the faith I have in myself
Keep convincing myself this smile is real
The audience buys it
But I want them to call me out on this scripted reality tv
I wish I wasn't this way
I just want stability
I just want Peace
I wanna be Free
So desperately
Nothing more important
Freedom from this self-constructed mask
I wanna feel the sun and rain on my own skin
But I still refuse
I can't help it
This mask is what I'm used to
Beastly living

best friend

you've been so good to me
i could never describe my gratitude
for all the times you've been there when I felt like giving up
there were so many times tears welled up in the beds of my eyes
as i masked my true feelings
i could feel the pressure build up
waiting for the volcano to erupt

but here your graceful hands comes
and reaches into my soul
calming the storm
recreating my emotions
be calm
slow and steady
take a deep breath
inhale the love
inhale the peace

you kept my darkest secrets
even revealing things about myself to me
by just conversing with you
you were such a great listener
so patient when i was in denial about how i felt
there was always enough time
you always had time for me when i didn't even have time for myself

you are such a blessing
i swear you're an angel
you really are
you are proof of god's existence
my best friend

your loyalty astounds me
i've never trusted someone as much as i've trusted you
you never let me down
you never let me down
when my head hangs low
your energy wraps my spirit in a beautiful hug
you made me feel free

you freed me of the pain
you freed me of the hurt
you were there through it all
and you still are

i never felt judged by you
for whatever i shared
you smiled as i did
you cried with me
you were the greatest comfort
more comforting than mama's cooking
you be missin durin the holiday season
i can never describe what you mean to me
i feel like i need to create a language just to describe
my appreciation for your existence
each letter here is a kiss for all the times
you had enough time

better than the best
and yet still magnificent
i'm just talking
but i think you know what i meant
you seem to be the only person who understands
it's like you are me
you're my best friend
i love you

Never let go

Yesterday I was with my sisters for the weekend before they turned 12. I'm so goofy so I just started tickling them. It was like we transformed into kids again for those moments. Here we are 12 and 19 rolling around on the couch and carpet laughing until we were red in the face. You feel the jolts of the body in each laugh, giggle... so beautiful. Ongoing childhood revisited...but I don't want to lose that. Why should I re-visit it? That means I have lost something. I don't wanna lose the laughter, give away the fun out of life just for a corporate job in the name of "success". Moments like these...tickling each other to death, hair all over the place, crazy silly voices coming out of your mouth, genuine, loving hugs--those, THESE are the moments to Live for.

Real chances to connect. Days like that are what we remember. Those are what give life meaning. I feel we so readily become serious with age, I think it's more expectation than anything. If I tickled a friend my age, I would probably be told to "grow up"... my question is, why? What's the fun in that? Where's the beauty in that?

Sure...growing is a part of life. but is growing up and losing that inner child who has such a fun, limitless view of life what we should be aiming for?
I don't wanna lose that. I wanna be 37 years old, my sisters 30 still running away from me at my mom's house because I'm going to tickle them to death. Moments like that are unforgettable. Moments like that are priceless.