Heart Leader: Stuck in the Middle

i guess i stopped askin questions cus i don’t wanna know the truth

somehow the answers i need to know will come to me

anyway

like the conspiracies

the government tried to hide from us

but somehow resurfaced somewhere i was able to discover

honestly, i fear the lies

i hate the feeling of not knowing if i can trust

but i guess

i just have to

i have to let go

like all the Universal lessons Spirit gave to me

even if it means, half-smiling while crying

i just have too much pride to ask

i guess it’s confusion mixed with a higher understanding

emotions with thoughts sexing with intuitive knowing

i pray to myself that my inner light isn’t oppressing

reality’s intellectual light bulb

but i guess this is something i’ve always chose

heart over everything

even if it causes suffering

i tell myself it’s worth it

but who really knows?

i think i tell myself these things to make me feel better about the way i love

cus to me Love is all that matters

and even if it turns into disaster

at least i was able to trick myself into heaven while it lasted

the thoughts eat away at my heart

so i put in my ear plugs

i keep fighting it

i tried to become one with them

but then they became me

so i decided that i’d rather neglect them

like those foster children society forgets to mention

stuck in the system

expecting to make something of themselves

even though the only way to make it through

make peace is self destruction

harming the only person who’s ever been their friend

having no one else but themselves

and now we let go of that

i wonder if that’s a negative thing or

an understanding of enlightenment

i try and tell myself to leave it be

let go and it’ll be Peace

but when is it really time to leave things label-less

if that was really the case then how would self-evaluation work

how would we know when to change if we don’t judge ourselves first?

confusion leads to darker times

that make the good times feel so good

but i wonder if it’s really peace if you’re constantly rebalancing

from the suburbs to the hood

from heaven to hell

and back again

i tell myself if i want to believe something

then to just do it

try is just a middle-man

but sometimes im like

that’s impossible

damn near improbable to just give whatever it is your entire self

with no precautions

trying to Be

trying for Peace

trying for Love

there is no try

it’s something we just do

and i think that’s what makes it the scariest thing because

everything we think becomes a self-prophecy

so how can i not be cautious when it affects our entire fucking lives?

so how can i be cautious when it affects our entire fucking lives?

catch twenty-two

doesn’t even begin to describe

the paradox of life

it just keeps going and going

rippling and rippling

out ….on and on

like erykah badu singin the soundtrack of life for me and you

we get up with trust and trip over our unlaced shoe

but if we take the time to lace it we may miss an opportunity too

it’s so insane how insane it all can be

and yet the “sane ones” are the ones doing the insane things

everything is so backwards and it keeps reflecting

so it makes me wonder how much i really know or understand

when this womb feels so uncomfortable

i ask mother earth if this is really nurturing

if her surface is

cus the minds that roam it

keep going back and forth

from evil to good

i know there has to be an absolute

but i still don’t understand it

so how can i evaluate it

with my left brain

or the right

why can’t it be both?

i try to trust my heart but it’s hard

and when i do it always seems to end up in the wrong places

in the wrong spaces

eaten by the faces

i let kiss it

so i wonder…

what part of me is the part that should lead

when it’s intellect that got us into this mess

and spirit has became so misunderstood we can’t even distinguish what that is

i thought the heart was the sacred part of us that has been untouched

but even that can turn black

have us hollering “we don’t give a fuck, give me that shit back”

so who is the leader

if it’s not my mind

and my thoughts are just wandering energies tapped into me

the heart is just a vessel for something that get’s lost between it all

maybe that’s why i feel the way i do

because the leader of my life is my heart

but our hearts have been indoctrinated with thinking

disconnecting us from spirit

so i don’t even know the own voice of my soul

i don’t know which road to go

i just have to pick one

and trust it is my path

but i’d never really know

so here all the worries come again,

and i restart with my dilemma…

back at the start of this poem